Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Special Letter To My Mom for Mothers' Day


This is my favorite picture of me and my mom because i'm in a helmet and she's drinking and throwing a gang sign.

Mom,

So as you know Mothers' Day is right around the corner. I know it will be hard to top last year's gift of being only half an hour late to the family brunch or the time I gave you that painting of an old man I found in a dumpster my senior year of college.

That said, what do you want? I was thinking of something classic. Preferably something I can make with little-to-no effort but which you would be obligated to pretend to love. The top choices right now are:

-Macaroni necklace (I can paint it your choice of colors)

-Playdough porcupine with toothpicks in it. A playdough turtle is probably also within my skill set.

-A tracing of my hand, painted to look like a turkey

-A hat made out of a pot that I perhaps put some sequins on and maybe a feather so you can look particularly fetching on your special day

-A picture of me glued to a piece of paper to look like a frame, on which I draw various things like hearts and flowers. If you'd rather have a picture of my cat than me that is understandable, but I also reserve the right to act indignant and offended and then refuse to give you anything at all.

-A 'sit-upon'. This is something I learned in Girl Scouts in elementary school which is basically newspaper i'm going to wrap in some other newspaper and tie together with some string and then you can sit on it. It could be useful in like... a forest setting so, you know, think of that when you're weighing this option.

-Some rock i throw some glitter on

I contemplated buying you a Precious Moments figurine to commemorate this special occasion but they're all at least like $20 (and that isn't even for the fancy ones with all the extra rabbits and bluebirds and shit) and last I checked I don't have a trust fund to dip into for a serious investment such as that. Seriously, do I still not have one yet? I'm 27. God.... stop being poor.

Please note that any of these would of course be accompanied with a homemade crayon card and an interpretive dance celebrating the your motherly attributes in which I would portray Ceres, the ancient Roman Goddess of Motherhood and also simultaneously play her daughter, Proserpina. Picture a low-budget Swan Lake.

[Note: Interpretive dance may be hindered by my dancing skills, which I feel are too limited to express all I wish to convey about my feelings of motherhood, and also by the size of our living room, which I feel is too limited to contain my many erratic dance moves which require a great deal of space to perform.]

I think the best gift a daughter can give her mother is to make her proud, so, when envisioning these exquisite gems in front of you on Mothers' Day, let me remind you of that flip cup tournament I won in January. You're welcome.

Love, Sarah

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