Monday, September 26, 2011

2012 Winter Classic keeps it classy

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Hide yo valuables, and for the love of God hide your jersey when walking through groups of rival fans. The NHL has just announced that the 2012 Winter Classic will feature the Philadelphia Flyers vs New York Rangers and will be hosted at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia.

Wow. If the plan was to round up the trashiest fans the NHL has to offer and try and set some sort of record for most people beaten to death in a parking lot, then well done.

The Rangers are expected arrive in Philadelphia at staggered times over the Christmas holidays, each player in a separate, nondescript car, to the luxurious Motel 8.

Instead of the National Anthem, the game will commence following a rousing rendition of either "Smack My Bitch Up" or the unedited version of "Forget You", as determined by popular fan vote. Fan vote will be determined by whichever artist, Prodigy or Cee Lo, isn't bludgeoned to death getting off their tour bus.

Fans are encouraged to wear helmets to the game to show their support for their favorite team, and also to avoid a similar fate.

Intermission will feature a shot put-style battery throwing contest where fans try to get the most distance on a Bud Light-fueled Duracell toss where the winner will receive a bullet proof vest so he or she can survive the inevitable shanking-in-the-bathroom sure to follow as a result of being seen on the JumboTron.

Following the game, the losing team will be set up as decoys and awarded medals of participation, which, if the players are wise they will use to try and reflect the light into the eyes of the fans pelting them with beer bottles to temporarily blind them, while the winning team will be allowed to immediately flee to their armored buses through the nearest fire exit.

Should fans set fire to the arena, officials plan to seal all exits, trapping the fans inside like the British army pulled on the colonists during the revolutionary war as depicted in Mel Gibson's movie, The Patriot. If officials are forced to resort to what has been dubbed "Plan A", a college scholarship fund will be set up for the children of local strip club employees, whose business is expected to be irreparably damaged by such a "tragedy".

And then the children will salt the land, so nothing will ever grow there again.

I think this Rangers fan is voting for the Cee Lo song.

Know how I know this Flyers' fan's father is one proud dad? Hint: it isn't because she is literally wearing only a bra and short shorts to a sporting event and has an arrow painted on her body pointing to her unmentionables.