Sunday, February 14, 2010

One Girl's Guide to Getting a Boyfriend


I'm pretty much an expert on the subject. I know this because I have so many boyfriends. This fine group of gentlemen includes but is by no means limited to Penguins' player Sidney Crosby, Olympic speed skater Apolo Ohno, actor James McAvoy, all the members of Fall Out Boy, and Prince Bersheron McWellington Praddlefroe Cornwallace IV, to name a few. Needless to say, my mailbox was of course overflowing with Valentines today. There were simply so many to choose from, I decided to not have a Valentine today to risk offending one or more of my many boyfriends. Who I have. Who totally aren't imaginary or unaware of the fact that we're in a relationship or anything...

"But how", you ask, "How did you get yourself so many boyfriends?" Well, friends, I've compiled a list of essential behaviors that every girl should exhibit to have no less than half a dozen boyfriends at any one time.

1. Get to know in a Biblical sense at least one other guy in his social circle
Men don't like uncharted territory or uncertainty. It is best if he can hear about you from one or more of his friends with first hand experience first. This way your target will know exactly what to expect.

2. Tell him all about your cat
And I mean ALL about your cat. Spare no details. His or her name. Age. Favorite toy. Coloring. Personality. How your cat is TOTALLY not like other cats even though everyone else says it, it's definitely true about yours, and he'll love her. If you have photos of your cat on your cellphone to show him, so much the better. If you don't have a cat, make one up or talk about how much you want a cat. I feel it's a great supplement to any conversation about your cat to also mention how many additional cats you plan to acquire in the future. When men hear about how much you love your cat and all the cats you plan to get, they can't help but think of how marriageable you are and how loving you will be with any future children.

3. Be drunk in front of himAnd the drunker the better. Be sure and go out every Thursday - Saturday at a minimum so he knows you mean business. He should essentially think you are nocturnal. When you're out, drink entirely too much and slur your words, give him the one-eyed leer across the bar, spill your drink on his shoes, get too handsy... Guys like it when you can go shot for shot with them, or at least act like you can. Couple this by talking about how you like drinking all the time. Every day. Don't ever let him see you sober as you won't want to run the risk of confusing him.

4. Have no speech filter

Say anything and everything that is on your mind. Even if its entirely inappropriate. Even if it is by far overshare. Even if it implicates you in a crime. Even if he doesn't seem to care. You just met him but you love him? Your thoughts on abortion or the feminist movement? How and why the song the DJ is playing right now is your faaaaavorite song everrrrrr. Tell him. Tell him you hate his sports team, political party, or something he holds dear. He should know you are a woman who thinks for herself. If at all possible, use a lot of swear words. The menfolk love a woman who cusses like a sailor.

5. Call him too many times at odd hours of the night

The more calls the merrier! 2 calls between 3 and 4AM? Why not make it 15. He'll appreciate your persistence. Indeed, there are few better ways to get a guy to like you than by calling him many, many, many times. You may also want to send a text or two, you know, just in case he doesn't see your missed calls...

6. Cry in front of himGuys like to see your emotional side and know you're secure enough around them to let the water works loose. He'll appreciate knowing you are vulnerable. Cry about whatever. You cat (bonus points for combining the cat with the crying), mom, job, another boy, one time he didn't say hi to you because he didn't see you but it still ruined your night, nothing-whatsoever-but-you're-
drunk-so-crying-seems-like-the-proper-response... anything.

7. Be a bit of an exhibitionist
I'd suggest dancing on tables or the bar or wearing revealing clothing. This goes hand in hand with the first rule in our list. Men don't like mystery or a surprise. They like to know exactly what they are getting. What better way to let him know what he could have than by showing him exactly what that is in public places in front of many other people.

8. Eat a lot

Don't just have the salad. Be sure that if there is ever food around you, you are stuffing your face with it. If you are at a gala or ball with multiple food tables set up, definitely post up by the desert table and down cupcakes like they're going out of style. Can't decide between the cheeseburger or grilled cheese at Five Guys at 3AM? You should probably get both. And the fries. He'll know you are healthy if you have a healthy appetite. And, since absence makes the heart grow fonder, your face-stuffing induced silence and resultant food coma will make him yearn for you to start talking again about your cat and not using your speech filter.

By using some of these suggestions, hopefully you too can have so many boyfriends. You're welcome.

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