Thursday, February 18, 2010

CPAC brings patriotic salvation to DC

There is so much patriotism going on in this picture right now that it should be the official logo of the US Olympic team.

Good news, patriots! It's CPAC weekend in D.C. and the big event kicks off tonight! I know it is difficult to even imagine a more happy weekend for America than one where the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) happens at the same time as the Olympic games in which the U.S. has more medals than any other country! I'm sure the District will be echoing with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" intermingled with "They took our jobs!" [a' la South Park: ] . Whether the rabble yelling about jobs will be the mob of supporters or conservative politicians voted out of office in the past few elections has yet to be determined.

What treats are in store for this weekend? Well, the highlight will, of course, be keynote speaker and great American, Glenn Beck. No one loves his country more than Beck. I know this because he cries about it every time I turn on his show. Ever seen about the woman who cries uncontrollably during any and every movie? Even if it's a horror movie? Even if it's a comedy? Even about R2D2 being put back together in Star Wars? This gal has nothing on Beck! I'm sure there will be plenty of water works tonight for all you faithful Fox News followers to get your fill. Beck was no doubt gunning for this gig after his show had aired for 5 straight days without a single advertisement in the United Kingdom. This happened after Beck lost 103 0f his sponsors who pulled funding due to his controversial remarks. Unlike in those pansy European countries, however, in America Beck is one of the figures spearheading the CPAC political movement.

Let's also shalln't forget the other God-fearing, country-loving patriots speaking at the event, including former US Attorney General, John Ashcroft. His contribution to our great nation is most marked by scrapping that pesky bill of rights so that we can win the war on terror against the evil doers. When he resigned from his position in 2004, his letter of resignation stated, "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." For saving America, Ashcroft surely deserves a standing ovation when he takes his turn at the podium this weekend.

But wait! There's more! Political commentators including Fox News' (the only real fair and balanced news channel on the air... let's be honest.) Tucker Carlson and columnist Ann Coulter (I'm so glad to see the views of women in America represented by this spirited firecracker!) will also be speaking.

Politicians speaking are to include former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. We can only hope that, as he lead the impeachment charge against President Bill Clinton, this weekend he leads the fight to impeach Obama for ... uh.... well, I'm not sure exactly, but I've seen conservative demonstrators with signs and shirts that say "Impeach Obama!" and yelling it as well, and I'm sure they know what they're talking about because they're very loud.

Remember the politicians you either didn't elect or voted out of office because they were 'too extreme' and 'out of touch' with America? Well, they're back!! Other CPAC speaker gems include Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum (from my very own Pennsylvania! ...even though neither he nor his family ever lived there while he was senator. But who can blame him with all those corporation-bleeding unions they have going on there.) !

I'm particularly excited to hear from Santorum because the religious right needs a voice at CPAC. Audience members can be sure to expect a lot of Bible quoting and a reminder that they are doing what is right because Jesus is on their side. I know this because Jesus definitely picks political parties just like he picks favorite countries. I mean obviously... otherwise how else would America be the best and most wealthy country in the world with the most Olympic medals, while other countries like Haiti are so poor and earthquake-ridden? Speaking of Haiti bringing earthquakes on itself through its pact with the devil, it is unfortunate Pat Robertson won't be there to speak with Santorum so that good Christians everywhere will have no question about when it comes time to vote next November. The answer to "WWJD?" is "vote Republican!"

Outside the doors of the Marriott where the convention is being held, the streets or at least the bars will be filled with the voices of Americans sick of Obama and Pelosi and their socialism. Thousands of patriots, many undoubtedly in their American flag shirts, or similarly pro-American values shirts such as Nascar or "Second Amendment! Don't tread on me!" shirts will be demonstrating or attending local CPAC fundraising events. The Palin-idolizing Tea Party will be in town too!

Unfortunately, I'll be out of town missing this great moment in our country's history. I'll rest assured, though, that in D.C. this weekend, freedom is ringing! The RNC (Republican National Committee) recently rejected calls for a litmus test for candidates seeking the party's endorsement in fall elections. The test would have denied endorsement for any candidate who disagreed with two or more of its codified principles. CPAC, fortunately, has refused to tuck its tail and do the same in selecting its speakers and those who represent it. By having the most extreme, vitriolic, and relentlessly unwaivering members of the republican party speaking as its voice, CPAC will show that conservatives don't need to listen, compromise, or gravitate toward the middle of the political road.

Basically, they aren't taking any crap from anyone and they don't care what anyone says about it! This sort of all-or-nothing, stick- to-your-guns, appease-your-extremist-base, stay-the-course mentality is why the party was so wildly successful in the '06 and '08 elections. If the dems stand for 'change', CPAC is doing its best to show that republicans stand for the same rhetoric and same extreme stance on the issues spoken by the same politicians that worked so (err...?) well? for them before.

Forget those yellow-bellied moderates, intellectuals on either side of the aisle who need to think about something rather than blindly following, or people who disagree on any issue with the extremists in their party. Give me ideologues or give me death!

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